I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
