my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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