Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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