3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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