The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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