Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
