can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
