if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He passed out mid-signature
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize