Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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