highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
