I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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