He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
