His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
