he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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