I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
