no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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