If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
