im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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