when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
