Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
