Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
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Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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