do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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