Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
