you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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