watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Randomize
