I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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