if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
