I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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