my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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