It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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