When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
