her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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