God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
