there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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