I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
