I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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