he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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