My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
