News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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