there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
