I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
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