Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
