Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
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We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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