I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
17 year olds will be the death of me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
