last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
