Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
