i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Randomize
