I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
