The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
