Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
