I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
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if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
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And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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