Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
