thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How does it feel to date your dad?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
