he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
