Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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