she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She has the best kind of daddy issues
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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