EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
