frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
