see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
